Dear Dr. Jenn,

I have a friend who I suspect may be in a relationship with a man who is abusive to her. She has a couple of children with him and I am also worried they might be in danger too. What can I do to help my friend?

Dr. Jenn's Response:

Violence in intimate relationships is a serious problem. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org), “one in four women (24.3 percent) and one in seven men (13.8 percent) aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.”

Also known as intimate partner violence or IPV, it can include physical, sexual, reproductive, emotional, financial, and psychological abuse. Some of the signs that a person is in a violent or abusive relationship can include thins like: pulling hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting, or choking; name calling, insulting and continually criticizing; forcing the other person to dress in a sexual way; refusing to use a condom or other birth control; or giving the other person an allowance and closely watching how she spends it. The vast majority of perpetrators of violence and abuse are men, though there are documented cases of female-to-male and mutual violence among both straight and gay couples. The fact remains that when men are violent against women, the incidence of serious injury and death is extraordinarily higher than when the woman is the perpetrator. Go to www.thehotline.org for a much more extensive discussion of the prevalence and signs of intimate partner violence.

It needs to be said out right that violence in any relationship is never OK. It is always harmful and always needs to be extinguished. In fact, it is a criminal act to be physically or sexually violent against one’s partner or if any child witness such violence between adults. Many cases of violence go unreported and unpunished because of fear of retribution and retaliation as well as the fear of the stigma that comes with being in an abusive relationship.

In the same way that it is a fact that no violence is OK in any relationship, it is also a fact that no one ever asks or wants to be abused. There is nothing that anyone can do to anyone else that warrants any form of violence. Unfortunately this message is not clearly expressed in many families or throughout our society. Many children grow up having witnessed violence and then experience it again in their adult intimate relationships. It is rare to meet a person who is or has been in an abusive adult relationship who has no knowledge of any violence in their own family of origin. On the other hand, many people who experienced abuse in their families as children choose not to abuse their partners and often leave relationships that have the slightest evidence that they may become abusive. Not everyone who grew up with abuse will end up in an abusive relationship.

If you are in a relationship where there has been violence or you know someone who is, get help because there is a good chance that the violence will not stop and could intensify over time. There are a few key steps to safely leave an abusive relationship. First, contact your local domestic violence shelter where they will have staff and resources to help your friend get out of the situation and get herself and her children safe. If the person needing help doesn't know where their closest shelter is, have them contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or www.thehotline.org. In cases where more immediate safety is needed, call 911 to get the police to intervene and help them get safe.

Many women don’t leave abusive relationships for fear that leaving will put them and their loved ones in more danger than if they stay. While there are stories in the media of abusive partners flying into rages and escalating the intensity to frighten and control their partners, having a safety plan to reduce the possibility of escalation is critical. This is why professionals need to be involved. Police, the court system, and a safe house all can help to provide the support needed to get safe and get away to start a new life.

If you notice someone you love has unusual injuries and seems nervous about discussing them, try sitting down with the friend and telling her you are not going to judge her or think differently about her if she has something hard to talk about with you. Let her know you won’t force her to do anything if she has something bad happening to her. Together you can strategize the best ways for her to keep herself and her children safe. If she is not comfortable going to or calling a shelter, have her call any therapist in the community who can help her think through how to get safe. It is important for you not to panic with your friend because the last thing she needs is more fear and trepidation for sharing details with you. Stay calm and grounded as well as supportive and loving.